Jennifer Leialoha

There are so many things I could say, but this is the one I choose today:

I can never replace what I have lost. I can never get back what I have given. I can never be who I once was. I can never love as I once loved. I can never return to where I started. I can never say all that I want to say or be all I want to be. I am, undoubtedly, most limited.

But I can rebuild and revise. Devise new architecture where now lies ruin. I can be someone more. I can love with more capacity and more understanding because of where I have been. I can traverse new roads. I can give all that I have to the person I wish to become. 

I can let go of my fears and soar above what I think cannot be to what will be.

I don’t want to look back on a marred past and see only what was wrong or right. I wish to see all of it. 

I understand what it means to be alone. I understand when the people I love and respect hate me. I understand disappointment. I understand my mistakes. My failures. My immaturity. 

Also, in about 19 minutes, I will finally be 21. I don’t drink, so that’s not that exciting. But there are no more concerts, social events, or anything else that I can be restricted from. The only thing I can’t do now is rent a car. Good thing I have one.

Life is ugly, but more than anything else, it is beautiful. Even when it is ugly, it is still beautiful. There are moments where I feel like I see clearly, even for just one second. I am amazed and humbled by the world around me, and grateful for my place in it.

“No it won’t all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good.”
-John Mayer 

Stronger

I am stronger than you (even you said it).

I am stronger than this moment in my life.

I am stronger than this pain.

I am stronger than everything that has gone wrong in the past.

I am stronger than the future.

I am stronger than my weakness.

I am stronger than my insecurity.

I am stronger than my body.

I am stronger than my soul. 

And how do I know this?

Because I’m still standing. 

We seem to all be laboring under the impression that we have to make big and drastic changes all the time.

But in fact, most often it is the small changes that make the biggest difference in your life. 

Fine tune your life, line upon line. 

I look at pictures of you just to hurt myself. To cry. To feel. 

I fully realize that I may never let anyone else in to my world the way I did with you. I realize that I may sabotage any new opportunities I have because of my past. I realize that this is all my fault, and I brought it all on myself.

I also realize that all I can do is pick up the pieces and hope that I am strong enough to live without you. 

When I think how much time has passed that we have been apart I can’t believe it. It’s been three-quarters of a year, and to me, it could just as easily have been a week ago. Yesterday.

Admittedly, some moments are easier than others, but easy is a relative term that means nothing when everything comes crashing down on the fragile life you are trying to rebuild. Rebuild alone. Rebuild without you. 

Words and phrases I never wanted to say, and yet I said them to you. I know I don’t deserve sympathy because these were all my choices. I chose to be with you, to love you, to give to you, and ultimately, to say good bye. But in those moments, these were not decisions I made with any cognizance. They felt like inevitabilities, not choices. 

Feelings don’t have thoughts. That is why they cause so much trouble.