Jennifer Leialoha

I can be stronger than my past in order to conquer my future.

I will keep telling myself until its second nature. I don’t have to succumb to my past experiences, the person that allowed others to mistreat her, her non-existent self-esteem, her lack of faith in people, her paranoia. 

I can be whatever and whoever and however I want to be.

And I choose strength.
I choose confidence.
I choose positivity.
I choose happiness.
I choose not settling for mistreatment because I don’t think I can do better.
I choose knowing that I can, and that I deserve it. 

I deserve goodness. I deserve love. 
And I expect them.  

In the past 24 hours

I have had multiple friends ask me for relationship/guy advice, etc. And its amusing to me, cause at the end of the conversations they tell me “you’re so smart”, or some other complimentary remark.

All I can think is “Yep, clearly I have it all figured out. Please take note of my invisible boyfriend over here, and for further evidence, here is my string of failed relationships.”

ha ha. Poor suckers. Oh well. I try to give good advice. Here’s to a better future for all of us. 

Good night everyone. I’m going to the gym in the morning. Like I keep telling my friends with boyfriends—you have a boyfriend, and I have a six pack. No one sees it, but I have it. 
xoxo 

I feel strongly confronted by my strengths, their purpose, and my life’s purpose.

These things all exist outside the confines of society, expectation, or career.

I appreciate this moment of clarity, with full acceptance that clarity is not always a lengthy visitor, at least not to this degree. 

I think I will sleep with a peaceful sense of gratitude tonight. 

I love you, I love you, I love you. Whatever or whomever you all may be. 

Jennifer Leialoha

Does anyone else ever experience the intense pain of longing when you have such a deep emotional connection to a song and it is so overpowering and intoxicating, all  you want is to share it with another person and have them feel exactly what you’re feeling so that you’re not alone in that moment, but you know it defies description and even if they were in the moment with you, it still wouldn’t feel like you wish it would?

So overwhelmed by that feeling right now. And everyday, really. God, I love music. So much it hurts. 

It’s all changing before my eyes, before I can even acclimate. This friend married, that one might as well be, this one buying a house, that one pregnant.

          And I can’t even seem to graduate from college.

How can you catch up, and why this obsession with trying to? 

I think I’d much prefer living on the fringes individually soaring, dancing, gliding to whatever altitude, song, or current I paint with my own soul to stumbling in this collective misery perpetuated by expectation, greed, shame, and a structure for the sake of keeping every man in his place.

When do you hit the age where you become afraid to dream,
stripped of passion, and you ease your pace in order to blend in and live comfortably?

I hate the part of me that is so content to simply exist as I am and fears change simply because of comfort.

Oh, I hate how I love comfort.
How I love things.
How I give them power over my life,
my livelihood,
my decisions.

I wish I were more brave. If I were I would have left a long time ago. I would travel, work along the way, fall in love with places and people, only to fall out of love and continue on my way.

I would write songs that mean nothing to anyone but me.

I would pierce my nose, dye my hair, tattoo myself, metamorphosize  over and over again just to remind myself that none of it has permanence on my eternal entity.

I would make love to man, to woman, to the beauty of the deeper and deepest essence of humanity with no fear of rejection.

Real love knows no fear.
Pure love knows no bounds.

But I fear the age when my passion starts to slip, my love becomes a brittle thing, fragile and unseemly as my mortal frame will become with time.

Is it real, or do some let it happen?
How can I combat this slipping away?
How can I take the good with me as I journey on? 

Will I ever know?

And I say I’m not a romantic. HA, that is all. 

Jennifer Leialoha

It’s awesome enough when you find someone who you vibe with musically.

Then, when on top of that, you discover you vibe when it comes to songwriting with them…

…you understand what was missing all the other times you tried with other people. 

And it’s so exciting! Alex and I wrote a song last night, and the process flowed in a perfectly organic way. I thumbed through my notebook and found a free write I had done a few weeks ago, I told him about the idea I had in my mind and some musings I’d been doing as of late, he started into this really lovely chord progression, I started humming a melody, then we reworked the lyrics from the free write.

Inspiration
             +
             Guitar
                    +
                     loop station
                                   +
                                    voice
                                          +
                                          keyboard drums
                                                             +
                                                             iPhone = strong rough draft

I can feel every inch of my soul thanking me for the opportunity to exercise creativity. 

More to come, I hope.

I’m not fashionable. I’m not trendy. I’m not beautiful, but when the light catches just right and the right person is looking I’m a certain kind of lovely.

            I’m just a soul trapped in a body waiting to be set free

Inspiration in, inspiration out.

I can’t always catch it before it falls.

I can’t decide if I feel anything for anyone, or nothing at all.

I don’t understand this melancholy I feel. Or how to fill a void I never knew existed. I don’t miss anyone, I just don’t know what to do with all the space they left behind. I don’t trust anyone to fill it, nor could they. New experience will yield something different. Of that I am certain. 

But for now, emptiness.
Definitely different.   

I remember

what it was like having someone who wanted to end their nights with me. 

That was a long time ago.